i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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