I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
