Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
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You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!