but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone