ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.