So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.