listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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