My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
