He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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