I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
