somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
