there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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