I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
