just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
