I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
