As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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