At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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