u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
