y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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