I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
