last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
