Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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