he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
