you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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