Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
