So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
