you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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