There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
