I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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