alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
