There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
