He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
