my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
