I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
