and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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