Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my sisters under your porch take her home
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
