I'm going to jail i love you
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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