He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon