I faked an abortion last night.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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