omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
