So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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