They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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