Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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