omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
