nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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