fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
