Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
as a side note pls kill me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
