just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
