He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
