btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
