You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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