yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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