dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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