So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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