Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
