We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
